Neal lets out a barely-audible "For fuck's sake, exhaled in fresh frustration.
"Because you weren't listening to me. You ignored everything I said in opposition of that opinion, didn't even think about what I'd said as far as I could tell. Even after I told you the only reason you think I'm biased in that particular way is because you don't see the conversations I have with him, because humiliating him in public happens so fucking often here and back home that the absolute only thing it does is tell him he's a freak who can't learn how to talk to anyone."
He gestures as he speaks, small curt movements he's totally unconscious of. "What I do for Malcolm is the same thing I did for Lestat, it's the same thing I'm about to do for fucking Johann because those of us wardens not directly dealing with a crisis were so far up our own assholes we didn't even stop to remember that the most recent murder victim just had their warden fucking disappear on them!"
He takes a breath. "It's what I can't-- I can't help doing, because I know what it's like to be that person. I can't just let it happen and let people decide they might as well..." He forces himself to take another quiet breath. "If they need someone to be on their side, loudly and visibly on their side so they don't choose to jump the railing like I did before I knew you or pretty much any of my friends now--then that's what I'm going to fucking do."
He turns away again, to brace his hands against a counter or the back of the nearest chair.
cw mention of suicidal ideation/jumping ship
"Because you weren't listening to me. You ignored everything I said in opposition of that opinion, didn't even think about what I'd said as far as I could tell. Even after I told you the only reason you think I'm biased in that particular way is because you don't see the conversations I have with him, because humiliating him in public happens so fucking often here and back home that the absolute only thing it does is tell him he's a freak who can't learn how to talk to anyone."
He gestures as he speaks, small curt movements he's totally unconscious of. "What I do for Malcolm is the same thing I did for Lestat, it's the same thing I'm about to do for fucking Johann because those of us wardens not directly dealing with a crisis were so far up our own assholes we didn't even stop to remember that the most recent murder victim just had their warden fucking disappear on them!"
He takes a breath. "It's what I can't-- I can't help doing, because I know what it's like to be that person. I can't just let it happen and let people decide they might as well..." He forces himself to take another quiet breath. "If they need someone to be on their side, loudly and visibly on their side so they don't choose to jump the railing like I did before I knew you or pretty much any of my friends now--then that's what I'm going to fucking do."
He turns away again, to brace his hands against a counter or the back of the nearest chair.