cactusy | IC contact for lastvoyages

I wouldn't do it to him if he wasn't on board. [Not the new and reformed Lark, anyway!]

I hear you’re up. So are we still doing this or what? We need to schedule the meeting with Kiryu, too. For setting boundaries for when there’s an incident.

You... want to talk with Kiryu now?

I always wanted to talk to him about the boundaries stuff. I agreed with him that day; what are you talking about?

You didn't tell me that, you told me he made things worse. The hell was I supposed to think?

I don’t want to talk to him about our interpersonal stuff. That’s supposed to be the meeting with Will.

I just think if Kiryu is there when the boundaries are set, they’ll be understandable and enforceable. Because this time around? You were unreasonable about what I did or didn’t do. So a neutral and trustworthy third party recording what we agree to about how that’s going to work going forward can arbitrate if one of us feels the other is crossing a boundary.

Also what I said was sending Kiryu and a bunch of other people to handle me made things worse. Not Kiryu, specifically and only.

Edited 2023-11-25 12:50 (UTC)

I didn't think you meant Kiryu specifically. But I also wasn't unreasonable in telling you to step off, and I'm not budging on that, Bright. I need to be allowed to do my job.

I didn't do anything to stop you! I came over when Will asked me to and left when you told me to! And didn't bother either of you the whole next day!

[He takes a deep breath and lets it out through his mouth.]

But let's save that part for our meeting with Will. When are we doing that?

Tomorrow. Apparently. And yeah, we really need it, because you just said two totally wrong things in two sentences.

Whatever. You know what? You were conked out - again - for weeks and I was with him all the time and you weren't and he didn't kill anybody. Maybe your eyeballs aren't the thin blue line between Will and murder. Just a thought. See you tomorrow.

Three totally wrong things. And me thinking Will is constantly on the cusp of snapping and murdering randomly is something I keep telling you I don't actually think, so great track record there, champ. This bodes well.

And yet you think watching him more is the solution.

Seriously, what's the point in me hashing this out again? I can beat my head against your wall over and over again, but it doesn't matter what I tell you, you never actually buy any of it.

I did, you know. I used to. But you've been telling me again and again that I have to interpret what you say; nobody says what they actually mean, the world doesn't work like that? And you don't believe anything I say, either. So I hope there's a way forward, honestly. Because I'm over being constantly at odds with you. I hate it. And I don't want to hate you. I think you're a good person who's doing Will a lot of good. He can tell, you know. Intention. And he has good feelings about you. That means something.

Whatever you seem to think, I don't want to be his Warden and we don't talk about his rehabilitation plan. We don't ever. So. Just putting that out there.

Then why did you keep trying to shout me down that day?

I wouldn't call it 'shouting you down', but if I had a strong reaction to it, it was because it was upsetting and I was upset. I recognize that. I never denied that. That's why I didn't bother you the next day. I tried to be upset alone in my cabin. Tried. What Avalon did to him before... that was beyond the pale. Did he ever get closure for that? Will he ever get closure for this? What has Rawne said about it? Because the fact that he hasn't addressed the Barge population at large about his inmate's extremely alarming pattern of behaviour is pretty questionable and I haven't talked to him because you're Will's Warden, not me.

I was never asking you to just go away. And I definitely wasn't telling you to go be upset alone in your cabin.

[She huffs out a long breath.]

Look. I told you nonverbal communication like tone and body language and stuff like that is important, yeah, but that isn't the same thing as telling you that nobody actually means what they say. And the context of me bringing up nonverbal communication that time wasn't even about me. It was about you; it was about how you've picked up some manipulative speech patterns from the manipulative dirtbags who raised you, and that you should try to identify them and unlearn them. But I mean what I say, I say what I mean, and I'm a straight-forward person. And my tone and body language are relevant, sure, but honestly, you kind of suck at reading them, so I'd rather you just ignore them and listen to only my words instead. I expect you to try to be aware of the tones you give off to people, but I don't expect you to read mine well. If I'd wanted you to buzz off, I'd've told you.

Please don't call my mother or my... Gil 'dirtbags'. They did their best in really difficult circumstances. They did the bulk of raising me. There was only one dirtbag. I was very, very lucky, all things considered.

Also I literally asked you to just listen to the words I say and not any of the... other stuff you keep doing and you said that wasn't a reasonable ask. I practically begged for that accommodation.

I don't know who Gil is, but-- okay. Sorry. That was out of line.

I said it wasn't reasonable to not try to talk to people better. I stand by that. I stand by that knowing how much it sucks and how hard it is and how pointless it feels sometimes.

I get that. I said I would try. I do try. I try every day. But you still just asked me to do something for you that you refused to do for me.

The fact that we're even having this conversation, let alone all the other ones that came before it, means that I'm not refusing to try.

And for the record? The time I'm thinking about? You didn't tell me you would try. You told me you were incapable of improvement and then told me talking about it wasn't interesting to you.

The fact that you got that from what I said is the problem, because I explicitly said I would try. Using the words 'I will try' and explaining that asking questions about your expectations was explicitly not a refusal to try.

You said "this is as good as it gets". I get that you were probably trying to temper my expectations in case I was assuming it was, I dunno, a switch you could flip and fix overnight. But you explicitly told me you were incapable of improving.

I explicitly told you that you should be prepared for this being as good as it gets.

After which I reiterated that it didn't mean I wouldn't try.

Okay.

But that first part's what I'm talking about when I say you get in your own way. When even Sameen Shaw believes in you more than you believe in yourself--

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