cactusy | IC contact for lastvoyages

Then why did you keep trying to shout me down that day?

I wouldn't call it 'shouting you down', but if I had a strong reaction to it, it was because it was upsetting and I was upset. I recognize that. I never denied that. That's why I didn't bother you the next day. I tried to be upset alone in my cabin. Tried. What Avalon did to him before... that was beyond the pale. Did he ever get closure for that? Will he ever get closure for this? What has Rawne said about it? Because the fact that he hasn't addressed the Barge population at large about his inmate's extremely alarming pattern of behaviour is pretty questionable and I haven't talked to him because you're Will's Warden, not me.

I was never asking you to just go away. And I definitely wasn't telling you to go be upset alone in your cabin.

[She huffs out a long breath.]

Look. I told you nonverbal communication like tone and body language and stuff like that is important, yeah, but that isn't the same thing as telling you that nobody actually means what they say. And the context of me bringing up nonverbal communication that time wasn't even about me. It was about you; it was about how you've picked up some manipulative speech patterns from the manipulative dirtbags who raised you, and that you should try to identify them and unlearn them. But I mean what I say, I say what I mean, and I'm a straight-forward person. And my tone and body language are relevant, sure, but honestly, you kind of suck at reading them, so I'd rather you just ignore them and listen to only my words instead. I expect you to try to be aware of the tones you give off to people, but I don't expect you to read mine well. If I'd wanted you to buzz off, I'd've told you.

Please don't call my mother or my... Gil 'dirtbags'. They did their best in really difficult circumstances. They did the bulk of raising me. There was only one dirtbag. I was very, very lucky, all things considered.

Also I literally asked you to just listen to the words I say and not any of the... other stuff you keep doing and you said that wasn't a reasonable ask. I practically begged for that accommodation.

I don't know who Gil is, but-- okay. Sorry. That was out of line.

I said it wasn't reasonable to not try to talk to people better. I stand by that. I stand by that knowing how much it sucks and how hard it is and how pointless it feels sometimes.

I get that. I said I would try. I do try. I try every day. But you still just asked me to do something for you that you refused to do for me.

The fact that we're even having this conversation, let alone all the other ones that came before it, means that I'm not refusing to try.

And for the record? The time I'm thinking about? You didn't tell me you would try. You told me you were incapable of improvement and then told me talking about it wasn't interesting to you.

The fact that you got that from what I said is the problem, because I explicitly said I would try. Using the words 'I will try' and explaining that asking questions about your expectations was explicitly not a refusal to try.

You said "this is as good as it gets". I get that you were probably trying to temper my expectations in case I was assuming it was, I dunno, a switch you could flip and fix overnight. But you explicitly told me you were incapable of improving.

I explicitly told you that you should be prepared for this being as good as it gets.

After which I reiterated that it didn't mean I wouldn't try.

Okay.

But that first part's what I'm talking about when I say you get in your own way. When even Sameen Shaw believes in you more than you believe in yourself--

It's not that I don't believe in myself. I know what I'm good at and I know where I fall down. I've been in sometimes intensive therapy since I was eleven. I was in and out of various forms of behavioural therapy before that. I've been given extensive instruction in how to be better than this. I think that's what you don't get. I am still trying and I don't intend to stop, but... realistically? If you're only going to engage with me as a friend if I get better than this? Then we should both brace ourselves for disappointment. That's all I'm saying. I've had a lot of professional help. A lot. A lot.

Has the professional help been any good? There's a lot of shitty psychiatrists out there.

The best. Money was no object. And even then, it took some work to find the best fit among the best money could buy.

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