cactusy | IC contact for lastvoyages

Pretty open. Not in all situations, but people who I'm working closely with should know, at least to some extent.

Root knew. But no, she-- was capable of awful things, but she was emotional.

I'm more open about it here, but I never told anyone in my world. I tried to, a couple times, but they didn't really understand.

Then I met Claudia...

She knew, but she was the opposite. She was innocent, truly innocent. She thought she could help me, and you saw how she destroyed herself thinking that.

But it was all completely futile. I'm still like this.

You probably have some brain chemistry issues, too. It's not curable.

[Sorry Kirei, Shaw is not someone one goes to for gentle reassurance.]

Maybe she could've helped you. But she couldn't've fixed you.

Yes, I know that now. It's clear our relationship was just a ridiculous waste of time.

[Shrug.]

That's why I said it doesn't matter.

So she didn't... matter at all, even beyond the stuff you couldn't feel?

Objectively, she mattered. All people matter, but her more than most.

To me, personally?

... I liked her. I respected her. I may have loved her. [Dead eyed. That word always feels so weird in his mouth.] But I had no business being married to her.

I'm just not meant for that type of relationship.

[She recognizes well the way he lets the word slip out of his mouth. It sounds just like she imagines it would if she used it.]

Neither am I.

[She stares out at the expanse beyond the deck rather than at him.]

Sometimes what we are or aren't meant for doesn't matter so much.

[And yet he's supposed to preach about it. Truly absurd.]

What do you mean?

I mean--

[And now she looks at him, her eyes more alert than they have been at all so far in this conversation.]

No matter what your nature is, you still have a choice in what you do. Did you ever hurt her?

[...]

I agree with you, and no, I never physically hurt her. But I wasn't a good husband, and I wasn't happy.

That's the difference between our respective relationships. You were actually happy with Root.

[He's so jealous.]

I'd definitely suck as a wife, or trying to do the quiet civilian life thing. Just saying. Things were good with Root because we wanted similar things out of life. We let ourselves be ourselves. What do you think being a "good husband" means?

[She's guessing that it's something incredibly domestic.]

I think I shouldn't be myself, at least not completely.

[Nobody wants Kirei to be himself. Even Kirei isn't sure whether or not he wants that.]

... I imagine it will sound quite silly to you, but I was raised to believe marriage is a sacred union between two people, indissoluble by anything except death, founded on mutual love and self-sacrifice, meant to elevate and cultivate what's best in those who are called to it, helping them grow closer to God and become more Christ-like.

[He wasn't a very Christ-like husband.]

Not that silly.

[She says, with a shrug.]

It's not my thing, not by a long shot, but it's not like it's a foreign concept.

It kind of is to me, but so are most relationships.

[A foreign concept, that is.]

I'm obviously not meant for them and wouldn't have even considered trying one with anyone else. Claudia was an exception, and there will never be anyone like her again.

Do you feel the same about Root?

[Shaw flinches just a little, as if she's been pricked by a pin. She feels it like a pinprick too, smarting at her skin.]

Pretty much.

[She says it flatly; dully.]

[Maybe he shouldn't have asked. Should he even bother with an apology?]

... You flinched.

[If it were him, he'd want it pointed out. It seems like she should too, if she values self-awareness.]

You feel things. You just don't feel them like other people.

[He shakes his head.]

I won't say I understand what you're going through, even with the flood. I was just curious since I don't often talk about Claudia, let alone to anyone who can at all understand what it's like to lose someone like that.

[He doesn't even know what he means. Claudia was always meant to be just a single chapter in his life, an experiment he would eventually move on from. Things turned out quite a bit more complicated than that, but it's hard to identify why.]

I don't like talking about Root at all. It's not really anybody's business.

[She doesn't want to be pitied; doesn't want anyone trying to comfort her or get her to talk about it. She also doesn't want people looking at her and wondering why she's not reacting in the way that she should be: she doesn't want anybody asking her the same types of questions that she sometimes asks herself.]

I won't tell anyone about Claudia.

[He wants to ask questions, mainly because he can't answer any of his own.]

I won't bring either one of them up again.

[Please God, let this conversation end as soon as possible.]

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