cactusy | IC contact for lastvoyages

That's actually a good thing to address. Will looks up as he thinks about how to put it. "Yeah, that's a big part of it. The fact that it's over with is another, and we're not on a ticking clock. I'm not- not planning on doing any of Hannibal's crime scenes, and I'll avoid some of the other...worse ones. Some of that, I really don't need to see again. But the times when I actually made a difference, when we caught someone. Those might be good."

Another nod, slower and more thoughtful.

"What about whatever Malcolm might pick?"

"No one's going to die if I don't solve it that day," replies Will, shaking his head a little. "That makes all the difference. If there's...themes that I have a tough time with, I'll let Malcolm know- or you, since you'll be there. But I don't have to go deep. I could try to solve it like a normal agent, if I wanted."

He hadn't considered that until just now. He's not sure how good he'd actually be, doing 'real' field work.

"Would you tell us?" she asks, arching a brow. "I'm gonna make you pinkie-promise."

Will arches a brow right back, but he smiles, too. "I'll tell you. I promise...and I'll pinkie-promise. I'm not so far gone as to want to self-destruct when there's nothing on the line. For me, it's more...a refocusing exercise. I'd like to be able to kick myself out of those states easier, especially when I get hit with people's emotional garbage on the Barge."

"Mm, no, I didn't think you'd do it to self-destruct, I thought maybe you'd... want to please Malcolm. Or me. Or feel like your own discomfort was unimportant in the grand scheme of things."

She moves to sit up, pushing herself to her feet and sliding her gun back into her pocket.

"Your kind of self-destruction's not to easy to spot, right?"

"Well, it's a lot easier when people actually listen to me," he says, thinking of that memory of his that got passed around, of Jack manipulating him after the Angelmaker case. "I'm not worried about that, here, anymore. But yeah, if I'm alone for it, it's a quiet, slow sort of implosion. A sign of problems would be- not me closing my eyes and focusing, but jerking out of it, looking like I don't know what's going on."

Hopefully that'll help her determine whether to pull him, and might help for the future. He's more willing to tell her things like this straight out because she doesn't argue it with him or thinks she knows better, what's going on.

"As for pleasing you-" He smiles a little bitterly, and shakes his head. "I'm really not that selfless anymore. I do want you to get your Deal, but that's supposed to be good for me, too. And Malcolm..." He looks down again, at the floor this time, before his gaze comes back up to rest on her shoulder. "I'd like to get to know his world a little better, compare it to mine. I know they're not the same, but it's hard not to assume that sometimes."

"You really relate to him."

It's not exactly a question, but she leaves the statement hanging, in case he wants to dispute, clarify, or elaborate.

Will looks off into the distance, then nods his head. "Yeah. I really do. Sometimes too much, and then I jump to the wrong conclusions about him or his life." Knowing more about him would definitely help mitigate that.

"Mmm. Is that easier to avoid when you recognize that it's what you're doing?"

Will nods. "I have a lot of systems in place to make sure I don't go too far into other people's heads. So if I notice that something's off, I can pull back and look at things more objectively. Having more details helps with that."

Will should probably add that he's also just interested in learning more about Malcolm in general, but that's getting closer to his feelings than he wants right now.

"Makes sense." Even if his file makes it clear that it's not a method he always uses, or at least not one that he chooses to follow through to the end if he does use it. "Tell me about some of those systems. You using any with me right now?"

Will grins briefly and shakes his head, looking back up into Shaw's eyes. "No, with you, I have to actually actively look. So I don't have to do my normal routine."

He looks back up, licking his lips, as he starts thinking about his techniques. Some of them have been with him for so long that he doesn't entirely remember where he picked them up. One is new and effective, but he'll be avoiding talking about that one for the time being.

"So if I find attachments forming, or I think I'm having feelings that aren't my own, I immediately detach myself from the situation, and throw any barriers in between us on the way that I can. Glasses go on, I close off my body language, I find something to stare at that I can focus on. If I can't remove myself, I'll do a slow count in my mind, timing with my breaths. Up to 10, then start over. Usually that's enough to stop anything happening in the moment."

He scratches his chin. "If it continues past that point, then I'm going to get away. Remove myself from the situation, find a small room to hide in with the lights off, pet whatever animals I'm near. Change all sensory experiences. Let myself reset."

Considering the vast gulf of difference between both their personalities and their situations, it's interesting how similar his coping mechanisms are to some of Shaw's, and her eyebrows jump just slightly in response.

"I can keep an eye out for that happening. Sounds like you're pretty good at pulling yourself back, but. I'll lend a hand, if I need to. You got a go-to small room? Your cabin?"

IC contact for lastvoyages

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