cactusy | IC contact for lastvoyages

He understands both of us. He can facilitate communication.

Is giving up what you want to do?

I don't know. I don't know what to do with you jumping wildly from "I'll try to do better" to "I'm never going to get better, I'm just broken" to "Actually I'm fine and it's everybody else that's wrong". Your communication is maladaptive, Bright, and at some point you're going to have to actually work on fixing that instead of relying on translators.

I'm broken, too. There are things wrong with my brain that can't be fixed, but how I act and what I say is still on me. When I kept saying stuff that made people think I wanted to storm through every inmate cabin and steal all their possessions because I hate them all, you know how tempting it was to just throw up my hands and say that if they were reading me wrong, that was their problem, not mine? And you know what, I still think some of 'em were being kind of stupid and reactionary. But at the end of the day, we have to take some personal responsibility for ourselves, so I bucked up and did that. And I hated it. And it sucked. But I did it anyway.

So, uh-- I guess that's my answer. If you want to try even though it's hard and you're messed up, then fine, let's keep slogging. But if you just wanna equivocate and make excuses, then I don't really see the point in us talking anymore, Will or no Will.

I already said I would try harder. Nothing I said after that contradicted that, except for what you read into it. You ask me to explain my thoughts further or my process further or I ask you clarifying questions about yours and you assume that means I’m not going to try or that I think I’m not even the problem. You were trying to shame me into trying harder - after I already agreed to - by telling me that you and a lot of other people were pissed off with my way of communicating. I was only pointing out that you can only speak for yourself, if specific people haven’t made the same complaint to you; you can’t… hypothesize peer pressure. And you don’t need to, because I already agreed. And while I agreed to try harder, I said I don’t think you actually understand me well enough to tell me what that looks like and when you asked me to explain, I told you how much I’ve already worked and how hard I’ve already tried because I want you to be prepared for it to not get much better than this. I’m not going to go ‘well, time to be a Real Boy’ and become a witty and sparkling dinner companion like I’m suddenly Neal, okay? Do you think if I could just be Neal, I wouldn’t? Everybody loves him. And they should. But the point is, I said I would try and only you decided that anything I explained subsequently meant that I wouldn’t and that is why we need Will and I can’t believe someone as smart and analytical as you can’t see that.

Also, can I ask one more question without it contradicting my assertion that I’ll try harder? Why does every conversation we have have to be about fixing me? Can’t we talk about anything else sometimes? Do I have to pass a functionality barrier to be just your friend? I’m not your inmate; it’s not really your responsibility to fix me, you know.

We can't have a normal conversation about other stuff because every time we try, you do something that puts me on edge. Every conversation turns into me trying to teach you how to talk to me without doing that because you can't do it on your own.

But all I'm getting here is a bunch of excuses, so yeah, I'm done trying. I've given you a bunch of examples of how you can moderate your own conversational output to make things easier with me. You don't wanna do that because you think you shouldn't have to, because your intentions should be enough? That's on you.

Good luck pulling your head out of your ass, Bright.

…What? I never said I shouldn’t have to! I did ask why we can’t meet in the middle. I still think that would be fair, actually, since we’re talking about just you and me again and not everyone I’ve pissed off. But you know what? You’re the one that’s manipulative. I only asked for your time and to get to know you better. Now the deal is you’re withholding your friendship until I change because you don’t like this me? Be a normal person and just say you don’t like me and you don’t want to be friends. If you need lessons in how to do it brutally, ask Eiffel.

[He cuts the call.]

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