cactusy | IC contact for lastvoyages

He doesn't like talking about this, but - she's like Lark. She's somehow easy to talk to, in a way that B isn't, because he hates admitting how much of a failure he is to the man he's always looked up to. (He might have admitted too much to B recently, while he was drunk, but it still wasn't easy, nor is it something he's proud of.)

But he at least trusts Shaw to give it to him straight, even if she wasn't here when it happened and won't ever understand how horrible what he did was.

"I just - I understand why no one trusted me after. And I don't want to do it again without meaning to. But maybe I'm explaining it badly. If I thought doing something for everyone else was good, but I was only doing it for myself, then I can't trust anything I want until I learn the difference."

"How long ago was this again? You said a couple years, right?"

"Almost seven years," Steve confirms.

Then, "I'm not always a fast learner."

She does not say I'LL say, holy shit, but her eyebrows do jump a little.

"Yeah, your self-esteem being in the toilet probably doesn't help, either."

Yeah, yeah, he knows. He knows both those things.

He shrugs and says, wryly, "Feeling good about yourself clearly isn't a requirement for graduating."

Also, "I wouldn't want to get too cocky." The last - the only - time he really thinks he felt good about himself was during the war, and it was a fucking war. So, what does that say about him.

"All I really care about now is helping people who really do need off this ship get - well. Off the ship. I can try to do that without, y'know. Imparting advice that might be shitty."

"Based on what I've learned about this place so far... I'm pretty sure saying that makes you better-suited to be a warden here than I am."

She says it, but then goes quiet, wondering if it'll be read as an insult.

He doesn't; or, rather, he takes it as her insulting herself, if anything.

"Well, given that the criteria are 'willing to come here and graduate an inmate in return for a deal,' I think I'm probably the outlier," he points out wryly.

But seriously: "You're gonna be a great warden."

He means that, very sincerely.

She rolls her eyes, because of course she does.

"I won't suck as much as a lot of here probably think I will, but this place is a lot more emotion-based than I thought it'd be. You know I'm at a disadvantage."

"You woulda been great with T'Pol. I was just a big, dumb, emotional, illogical human at her 'till she caved. Not very efficient."

Okay, that's not exactly how it went, but - "A lot of people that come here are emotional. But think about the people, like you, who aren't, and how they need someone to understand them, too. Or maybe someone needs to be outstubborned or argued out of their corner. You'll fit somewhere no one else does, whether it's someone you're assigned to or not."

"Sure, that's what I'm thinking."

Or what she's hoping, anyway. So far, she's clashed with about as many inmates as she has wardens, though there are at least some from each category that she seems to click well with.

"But I still hate most of my coworkers' priorities, and I'm guessing at least some of them are still convinced that I wanna strip their inmates' cabins. It's been a while since I've been a part of a big group like this, and even that was... different. This isn't anything like the Marines."

"It's definitely nothing like the Army, either," Steve admits. "Not that it has to be, but - "

He shrugs. It had been a big sticking point of his, early on. He still thinks things could be better. More organized. Less lax, when it comes to serious wrongs, but he isn't sure how to change it.

Back to feeling guilty for being complacent, these days.

"You come on strong," he finally says, "but you mean well. I mean. I kinda thought you wanted to strip everybody's cabin the first time we talked."

At least she's trying. He respects that, more than anything else. But it's not easy to stand alone in a place like this. "This group isn't like any other you'll ever be part of. It's not - really a group, in a lot of ways."

"I just wanna strip the cabins of the violent ones who have a history of going on massacres."

And this is a hill she will die on, thank you very much.

"Every group I've ever been in has been like nothing else I've ever been a part of. I hate this one the most, though."

"And I don't exactly disagree, honestly. You know, I don't generally think inmates should have powers at all, period."

Yes, okay. He has made exceptions, can understand exceptions, but overall? He still thinks it.

"See, I knew there was a reason we got along so well," he laughs, but that's not really humor under his voice. "This one'll wear you down like nothing else, if you let it," he agrees, quietly.

"No powers for inmates sounds good to me," she affirms. "With exceptions for situations like Taylor's. And I don't really care if people like me, but - I need them to be able to work with me."

"Yeah, no one came here under the impression it was gonna be a group effort," Steve sighs. "Maybe that's the problem. It's not in the sales pitch."

I don't know, I kind of assumed it would be," she says dryly. "You ever meet a group of enforcement officers that are supposed to function totally on their own?"

"No, but I'd never been recruited for a weird-ass magical space Barge, either, and I was a little desperate."

That's the thing, though, isn't it. The Barge feeds on desperation, in a lot of ways. It wouldn't exist without it.

"I think there are a lot of assumptions," he finally says. "And that's the thing. They're just assumptions, and they usually don't line up, and we're just supposed to work it out. Which - fine. But it doesn't always work out."

IC contact for lastvoyages

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