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Entry tags:
- tlv: !ic,
- tlv: abel,
- tlv: alexander hilbert,
- tlv: angeal hewley,
- tlv: avalon,
- tlv: dimitri alexander blaiddyd,
- tlv: doug eiffel,
- tlv: elim rawne,
- tlv: francesca "franky" cook,
- tlv: iris wildthyme,
- tlv: jacob seed,
- tlv: james "bucky" barnes,
- tlv: jedao two,
- tlv: jonathan reid,
- tlv: kirei kotomine,
- tlv: lark tennant,
- tlv: lestat de lioncourt,
- tlv: lester sheehan,
- tlv: mad sweeney,
- tlv: maggie garcia,
- tlv: malcolm bright,
- tlv: natalie scatorccio,
- tlv: neal caffrey,
- tlv: nita callahan,
- tlv: oscar,
- tlv: paul "jesus" rovia,
- tlv: raylan givens,
- tlv: root,
- tlv: rosita espinosa,
- tlv: steve rogers [captain america],
- tlv: will graham,
- tlv: xie lian,
- tlv: zack fair
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lastvoyages
[If I don't have an active post up, feel free to use this post to have your character call, videochat, text, or knock on Shaw's door.]
spam; during the flood
[They do feel like it, but that doesn't mean they don't also feel distant and vague. They may as well belong to somebody else.]
I can barely remember what she looked like, but I do know everything that happened while we were together. She was...
[A saint. She tried to help him.]
She was ill. She died... from complications due to her autoimmune disease, right?
cw: suicide
[Stuck a gun under her chin. Wait, no. Not that, not her.]
She sliced her neck open. Bled herself out.
cw: suicide
How pointless.
[Yep, that's it. That's his reaction to this news. He crosses his arms. It's starting to come back.]
... I didn't feel anything?
cw: suicide
You held her. You felt like you were sinking into emptiness.
[And god, does she ever know that feeling well now.]
cw: suicide
I think I wanted to kill her.
[He's so messed up, but at least he can blame Balam.]
cw: suicide
[She honestly couldn't tell either way.]
cw: suicide
I don't think it matters.
[Even if it was love, it still didn't save him.]
cw: suicide
Why, because she died anyway?
cw: suicide
[He looks at her, tilting his head.]
How open are you about this? Your condition, I mean. I'm guessing Root knew about it? Maybe even shared it?
cw: suicide
Root knew. But no, she-- was capable of awful things, but she was emotional.
cw: suicide
Then I met Claudia...
She knew, but she was the opposite. She was innocent, truly innocent. She thought she could help me, and you saw how she destroyed herself thinking that.
But it was all completely futile. I'm still like this.
cw: suicide
[Sorry Kirei, Shaw is not someone one goes to for gentle reassurance.]
Maybe she could've helped you. But she couldn't've fixed you.
cw: suicide
[Shrug.]
That's why I said it doesn't matter.
cw: suicide
cw: suicide
To me, personally?
... I liked her. I respected her. I may have loved her. [Dead eyed. That word always feels so weird in his mouth.] But I had no business being married to her.
I'm just not meant for that type of relationship.
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Neither am I.
[She stares out at the expanse beyond the deck rather than at him.]
Sometimes what we are or aren't meant for doesn't matter so much.
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What do you mean?
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[And now she looks at him, her eyes more alert than they have been at all so far in this conversation.]
No matter what your nature is, you still have a choice in what you do. Did you ever hurt her?
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I agree with you, and no, I never physically hurt her. But I wasn't a good husband, and I wasn't happy.
That's the difference between our respective relationships. You were actually happy with Root.
[He's so jealous.]
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[She's guessing that it's something incredibly domestic.]
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[Nobody wants Kirei to be himself. Even Kirei isn't sure whether or not he wants that.]
... I imagine it will sound quite silly to you, but I was raised to believe marriage is a sacred union between two people, indissoluble by anything except death, founded on mutual love and self-sacrifice, meant to elevate and cultivate what's best in those who are called to it, helping them grow closer to God and become more Christ-like.
[He wasn't a very Christ-like husband.]
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[She says, with a shrug.]
It's not my thing, not by a long shot, but it's not like it's a foreign concept.
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[A foreign concept, that is.]
I'm obviously not meant for them and wouldn't have even considered trying one with anyone else. Claudia was an exception, and there will never be anyone like her again.
Do you feel the same about Root?
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Pretty much.
[She says it flatly; dully.]
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... You flinched.
[If it were him, he'd want it pointed out. It seems like she should too, if she values self-awareness.]
You feel things. You just don't feel them like other people.
[He shakes his head.]
I won't say I understand what you're going through, even with the flood. I was just curious since I don't often talk about Claudia, let alone to anyone who can at all understand what it's like to lose someone like that.
[He doesn't even know what he means. Claudia was always meant to be just a single chapter in his life, an experiment he would eventually move on from. Things turned out quite a bit more complicated than that, but it's hard to identify why.]
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