IC contact for lastvoyages

[cactusy]

[If I don't have an active post up, feel free to use this post to have your character call, videochat, text, or knock on Shaw's door.]

Comments

[abrightboy]

How would I know that?

[cactusy]

Obviously you didn't. But I'm telling you now.

[abrightboy]

Did you think I didn't know that there's something wrong with me and it puts people off?

[cactusy]

No. But I think you don't have any idea how to make it better.

[abrightboy]

Maybe not. But do you actually know how to make me better? Sometimes I think you don't actually see me at all.

[cactusy]

Are you talking about how I said you were being manipulative.

[abrightboy]

No. I'm talking about... I know it's me, okay. It's always been me. It didn't start when my father was arrested. That just made it worse or... more obvious. Or compounded, I guess, with the cPTSD. But I've been working on dealing with my...self with professionals and with every... attempt at connection I've ever failed at and it's disheartening that you don't believe me when I tell you that this is as good as I get. This is my most palatable form. And you don't begin to know the struggle it took to get to this point, so I think you don't really understand the... the killing blow that it is to hear from someone I respect that I just need to try harder. That I need to pull up my socks and just work on it. There isn't a non-annoying me under the surface, okay? If you're waiting for that guy to show up and hang out, he's authorized me to tell you that he's never coming.

[cactusy]

Okay, but I didn't just say "try harder". I said "This thing you did with me? Stop doing that". I gave you an actual explicit instruction on something you can follow through on to make things less tense with me.

[abrightboy]

Okay. So tell me just the instruction.

[cactusy]

If you think you've made me uncomfortable, even if you're disappointed about it, don't make it about your feelings. Not even if it's to trip over yourself to apologize and talk about how me not trusting you makes sense because most people don't like you - actually, especially not then. Ask me if you made me uncomfortable. If I say no, ask me what happened instead. If I say yes, uh-- just ask me if there's anything you can do to change that, I guess.

[abrightboy]

I didn’t think I made you uncomfortable. You clearly weren’t uncomfortable. But when you said you didn’t want to talk about it with me, it made sense. Because we aren’t a safe place to each other - not because people don’t like me, and I didn’t say that was the reason. I said that was a subject that people talk about with safe people. So would you like to argue that you feel safe being vulnerable with me? Because I don’t think you do. But that isn’t the same thing at all as being made uncomfortable. I didn’t even bring up the topic of conversation. You did. And I still don’t actually understand why you did that when you didn’t want to talk about it. But that isn’t relevant to the fact that I’d love to stop doing the thing I didn’t do, but I didn’t do it.

[cactusy]

You used some kinda loaded language. "That's stuff you talk about with people who are safe" is, like, primed to make people comfort you and reassure you that they don't see you as a danger. Try something more neutral next time, like "I misunderstood". You took me at face value when I was being flippant, which was... kind of dumb of me, actually.

And then I was kind of rude about it when I said "Why did you actually think I wanted to talk about this with you". So. You could've called me on that, too; that would've been okay.

[abrightboy]

I didn’t think that was rude. It was a valid question. And made me realize that the topic wasn’t appropriate for us when we’re not a safe place to each other. You assumed that meant you were dangerous and I wanted your comfort over it. I didn’t mean the former or want the latter.

[cactusy]

No, I'm not saying I thought that was your intention; I know it wasn't. We're talking about how to troubleshoot people getting stuff from your words or tone that you don't mean.

-- And I was definitely being rude. On purpose. So, uh, sorry, or whatever; it wasn't helpful.

[abrightboy]

So why don’t you stop taking things from my words or my tone that aren’t the words I say?

[cactusy]

Because that's not how the world works, Bright. You can't just tell everyone to ignore an important part of communication. You have to learn this crap, even though it's hard.

[abrightboy]

So I have to adapt to you; you don’t have to adapt to me.

[cactusy]

[Finally, she snaps:]

What the hell do you think this conversation is.

[abrightboy]

When I deduce things from your word choice or tone, I’m just making stupid assumptions and when I don’t, then I have to learn how the world works, so I don’t know. As far as I can objectively tell, this conversation started with what I thought was friendly banter. Then you made fun of me. Then you got mad at me because I took you seriously when you were making fun of me. Now you’re telling me how to appear human so I can fool people into thinking I’m like them. Was that about too many of my feelings?

[cactusy]

I'm trying to help you not do things that put me - and a lot of other people - on edge around you, something you claim you don't want to do. And I already told you that being a dick to my coworkers is something I have a problem with, and something I'm working on, and something you should call me out on when I'm too much of a dick to you - so yeah, if you deduce something wrong and I'm a dick about it, tell me off.

You didn't even realize I'd been making fun of you until I told you and apologized for it, so don't give me this you aren't bothering to adapt to me crap.

[abrightboy]

You’re right. I don’t want to do that. Which other people?

[cactusy]

Did you pay attention to any of the rest of what I said.

[abrightboy]

Yes. But I’m interested in what I’m interested in. I have a different question I can ask instead, if you don’t like that one. But you won’t like it.

[cactusy]

I don't not like the question, Bright. But I'm trying to have a conversation. That means I don't want the stuff I say to be totally blown off.

[abrightboy]

I don’t want you to blow off what I’m interested in knowing.