IC contact for lastvoyages

[cactusy]

[If I don't have an active post up, feel free to use this post to have your character call, videochat, text, or knock on Shaw's door.]

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[punched_hitler]

"It was a waste," he agrees; he didn't care at all at the time, but in the time since...

Well. Nothing he can do about it now. Except feel guilty. He's pretty good at that.

"I don't know that I was close when she left. I don't know that I was close the day before it happened - I don't know what day it did happen or what the fuck did it," he says, shrugging almost aggressively. "Like I said. I wasn't even trying. Never was. Never did." Not really. Not for very long. "Seems kinda unfair, when I see people who really are."

[cactusy]

"You don't even know what you're trying for half the time, right?"

That's certainly the sense she's gotten, in talking to both wardens and inmates. "Everybody's kinda flying blind, trying to figure out the Admiral's secret standards for them. It doesn't have any rules, it's not consistent..."

[punched_hitler]

"I mean, some cases are a little easier than others."

But she's generally right, is the other half of that statement. And he, in particular, has no idea what he was shooting for, other than... however he is now. Which doesn't necessarily feel like much of an accomplishment, most days.

"No. There's no rules because everybody is different. I - "

He stops, shuts his mouth almost audibly. Chews on something internally for a long moment before he admits, very quietly, "I saw a lot of people graduate, and I didn't know why. I guess maybe that is how it works. We're not always better people at the end of it."

He... thinks he must be like those people, whose graduations felt so unfair. Figures.

"But some people are," he adds, and he means it. "Some people work really hard and they deserve every ounce of freedom. And more. It's why I won't ask him for anything. Part of why. But a big part of why. Inmates aren't just ways to get what I want. That's a shitty way to think of them, and I won't do it. I won't make anyone feel that way."

[cactusy]

"'Better people' can be complicated."

Shaw isn't exactly the biggest fan of dealing with shades of gray, but at this point - considering everything she's did in her past, everything she's done recently, and everything she's seen others do - even she can admit that.

"I don't feel bad about being here for a deal."

[punched_hitler]

Steve makes a face - it's mostly a guilty face. "No, I - sorry. You shouldn't. I know I kind of sound that way. But I really don't blame anyone who does."

Clearly it's a system that works for a lot of people. He knows he's just - you know. Him.

His lips twitch. "Can't go with the crowd, that'd just be too reasonable, and I am anything but."

There. Just make it a joke. It's not really that important.

"When you get a permanent inmate, you'll get a file on them. It might be helpful, so you're not flying so blind, if you don't already know them well."

[cactusy]

"I hear the files don't give much direction," she says dryly. "Information, yeah, but if we're supposed to be redeeming people to the Admiral's specifications, you'd think he'd be a little more clear about what those are."

But she gets the sense that that's a common gripe, and not one that's likely to ever be fixed, so. Moving right along.

"Those people who graduated for reasons you didn't get. What happened?"

[punched_hitler]

"I think it depends on the person, but - not really, I guess. I never read the one on my inmate, and my second warden had me come and explain what mine even meant, so." Another shrug, more casual this time. "But it'll illuminate things about their life that maybe they didn't tell you. Or want to tell you."

He shakes his head, though, at the question. "It's not really important," he finally says. "Probably more about me than them. That's what I do - get mired in what I think. I woulda thought I should've stopped that shit to graduate, but - like you said. Nobody knows what the Admiral's specifications are."

[cactusy]

I never read the one on my inmate gets her openly rolling her eyes, and then immediately regretting it, because the movement makes her nauseous. She leans back against the pillows, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"I'm not asking just because I want to gossip. Hearing about it could help me try to figure out the Admiral's standards a little."

[punched_hitler]

"It won't tell you anything you don't already know," he says, not meaning to get defensive, but he kind of is. "I don't understand the standards because I think calling them standards is probably being too generous. It's different for everyone, like I said."

And the fact that some of the people who walked off this boat had really hurt him and never thought about it again means nothing, and he knows it. He knows it, but it still hurts, and he doesn't want to talk about it, because it just sounds self-centered, like most things he says does.

"It's not like passing some test or checking off some boxes. It's up to you to get to know your inmate and learn who they are and how to help them, or how to help them help themselves."

[cactusy]

"Says the guy who didn't read his inmate's file," she says slowly. "Look, I just-- wanna know what kinds of things are okay for people to leave on the table when they graduate."

[punched_hitler]

"I read my own file," which he feels like counts for more, but maybe actually counts for less.

But okay. He'll try to help her out. Maybe. A little.

"It depends. Graduating doesn't mean you never kill or make mistakes. It doesn't mean you apologize for what you did."

He sighs, slowly. "I always thought of it as fixing something inside yourself that was broken. Changing the way you dealt with the world. Everyone goes through shit. But not everyone is an inmate. So I thought it had to be more about intent."

He doesn't know if he still believes that - doesn't know if he believes it about himself, most of all - but it has to be right in some cases, at least. He still thinks that's what did it for T'Pol. "One of my inmates, T'Pol. Her people had been enslaved. She wanted to resort to genocide to fix it. Two wrongs don't make a right. That kind of thing."

He adds, "When she did graduate, I went to help her. We did kill a lot of people. But - even in a war, not everyone on the opposing side is your enemy."

[cactusy]

"Makes sense," she says, her hand dropping back down onto the mattress. And it's pretty close to what she's been assuming so far, which is somewhat reassuring. "There's people I'd still kill, at home. I figure if that were a dealbreaker, I wouldn't be here."

[punched_hitler]

"Exactly. I don't think that's it," he confirms. Killing may never be justified, exactly, but it's not always the worst choice you can make, either.

"Maybe the best thing to do is talk to a bunch of wardens, and talk to a bunch of inmates. That might give you a better idea. Narrow it down, if it can be narrowed. Some people might know what graduated them or their inmates. Or have some idea." Just because he doesn't, doesn't mean no one else does.

[cactusy]

Shaw could absolutely quibble about killing being justified sometimes, but that's not the kind of conversation she particularly enjoys even when her head isn't pounding, so she just leaves it.

"Why do you think I asked you?"

[punched_hitler]

He lets out a sound that's more sigh than laugh, but it's a little bit of a laugh. "Yeah. I figured. I just - I'm not the usual kind of case, is all."

He stares at the wall over the bed, eyes flicking over the note he'd written without really reading it.

"I thought I was just - here to be punished, after what happened. Case closed. I know it's stupid. Other people have been demoted and graduated. I'm not actually special. But I wasn't - I'm not really sorry for wanting to do what I did. And everything everyone told me - I never expected to be able to leave. So I don't know why I can now. I don't know what changed, except for things I don't like, and maybe them's the breaks, but I'd like to think that most people are happier after they graduate."

He is happy, in a lot of ways. But he's still afraid of losing it, and still afraid of what he has lost.

[cactusy]

"What did everyone tell you?" she wonders, carefully watching his face.

[punched_hitler]

"That I'm selfish," he says quietly, and he's not watching her face, still looking at the wall. "That I didn't do it for anyone on the ship but myself."

[cactusy]

"Were they right or wrong?"

Her voice is flat, like it often is, which means there's no heat or judgement to it. After a moment more of watching him, her eyes flick away too, landing on the wall opposite the one he's focused on.

[punched_hitler]

"I don't know."

It's frustrated - but also honest. He really doesn't.

"I really thought -" He shakes his head. "It doesn't matter what I thought. The road to hell and all that, right? What matters is how people took it. Safest thing seems to be not to risk it again."

Which he hates. So much.

[cactusy]

"... You seem frustrated," she says slowly, half-expecting him to put a stop to this line of conversation at any moment. "Kinda guilty, even if you don't feel bad about your intentions. You don't sound selfish to me, though."

[punched_hitler]

He doesn't like talking about this, but - she's like Lark. She's somehow easy to talk to, in a way that B isn't, because he hates admitting how much of a failure he is to the man he's always looked up to. (He might have admitted too much to B recently, while he was drunk, but it still wasn't easy, nor is it something he's proud of.)

But he at least trusts Shaw to give it to him straight, even if she wasn't here when it happened and won't ever understand how horrible what he did was.

"I just - I understand why no one trusted me after. And I don't want to do it again without meaning to. But maybe I'm explaining it badly. If I thought doing something for everyone else was good, but I was only doing it for myself, then I can't trust anything I want until I learn the difference."

[cactusy]

"How long ago was this again? You said a couple years, right?"

[punched_hitler]

"Almost seven years," Steve confirms.

Then, "I'm not always a fast learner."

[cactusy]

She does not say I'LL say, holy shit, but her eyebrows do jump a little.

"Yeah, your self-esteem being in the toilet probably doesn't help, either."

[punched_hitler]

Yeah, yeah, he knows. He knows both those things.

He shrugs and says, wryly, "Feeling good about yourself clearly isn't a requirement for graduating."

Also, "I wouldn't want to get too cocky." The last - the only - time he really thinks he felt good about himself was during the war, and it was a fucking war. So, what does that say about him.

"All I really care about now is helping people who really do need off this ship get - well. Off the ship. I can try to do that without, y'know. Imparting advice that might be shitty."