cactusy | IC contact for lastvoyages

IC contact for lastvoyages

[If I don't have an active post up, feel free to use this post to have your character call, videochat, text, or knock on Shaw's door.]

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the big problem is that he worries things with me are going to turn out like things like him I think. whenever we hit a milestone he hit with Bucky we deal with some worry on his part that it's going to happen with me

right after they got married is when that guy disappeared and I showed up like a couple months later. so I expect when I bring up marriage he's going to have a similar kind of weird worry going on

I won't say no to you having a chat with him once we get the handfasting done with, though. it might help just to have someone who ain't me talk with him

"that guy"? i thought he was you

he's an alternate universe version of me. we have the same or at least a really similar past, but we diverged pretty heavily. I was told even as an inmate that I wasn't really a lot like him

also we have different daemons so I consider that proof we are in fact different people :)

so, like a breach

I guess. we both knew Steve as kids, we both got drafted to the war, we both went through the HYDRA shit, we both fought Steve and nearly killed him, but I died in the fight and he didn't. I don't know what else is really different from our pasts because I only got to meet him once in one of Steve's memories

it was very awkward actually especially since I was still an inmate and not so good with people

even when that person is you?

take two really suspicious and awkward versions of the same person together and you bet your ass it's going to be uncomfortable

ok, good point

but do me a favor

if i ever vanish and some other me shows up, remember that it's still me, ok?

of course :)

honestly I was ADAMANT for the whole time that I was not the same person as Bucky. I didn't want to be. I wanted to be myself, not just a copy of someone else, you know?

so if it happens with you, then you're the same person. it's important what you want

i don't think of you as a copy

but i do remember that one breach more often than you'd probably like

it was too different to really confuse me, but it's still there

it doesn't bother me that you think about it Sameen

but I'm glad you don't think of me as a copy :) I'm a little less hung up on who "me" is these days since I've had some time to settle into it anyway

I even did go by Bucky when I was out in the world. felt pretty weird to be honest

why did you pick B, anyway?

completely through random conversation and without really thinking about it too hard to be honest!

it really bothered my warden that I didn't have a name so she kept picking random things to call me. started with Buddy actually. Bucky and Buddy just got shortened into B as a nickname at some point in a conversation and then I decided I liked it so I kept it

she'd been angling for me to pick up my original name again but she considered any name technically good enough in the end, thank god

do you feel like you're literally a different person from who you were before the brainwashing torture stuff?

nah. only in the way that I'm a different person from who I was at 10 and 20 I guess

I think of it like the core layout of the house is still there it's just that the furniture got moved around, the walls repainted, and a few holes got knocked in the plaster here and there

[That's a completely separate thing from the multiple universe versions thing, to him.]

nice analogy

and i have to say, it's a relief to hear

thanks I've been sitting on it for ages in case Steve ever got a bug in his ear about it again

a relief that I don't think the torture turned me into someone totally different? is that something you worry about yourself?

no

but yours was centered around destabilizing your sense of self in a way that mine wasn't

[And the epicenter of her torture - the destabilization of her sense of reality - is something she continually struggles with.]

good. it does kind of suck

[Which requires the admission:]

there WAS a time when I did think more like that but I got over it. I like to think it's one of the few bits of me that's managed to become kind of mentally healthy :P

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IC contact for lastvoyages

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