cactusy | IC contact for lastvoyages

[Maybe she's right, but she still managed to feel something approximating sadness or grief for Root. It's more than he could do for—]

Claudia?

[His expression darkens, and he brings a hand to his forehead.]

Damn it. I must have more of your memories.

[Hold up. Seriously?]

How much more?

I don't know. They really feel like mine.

Are you Catholic?

[Give him time. Trying to focus on that period of his life is like trying to peer through a thick mist.]

I remember meeting her. I remember the wedding. My father was there...

[He literally cringes, already getting a headache.]

My actual father, not yours.

.... I think.

Edited 2023-04-23 21:58 (UTC)

... And I lost every memory of her except the one where she died.

[Which, logically, is a very strong sign that she hadn't actually lost all those memories at all, because they'd never been hers to begin with. And even though the Barge so rarely seems to be based on logic, that possibility coupled with those questions of his...]

Not Catholic, no. And my dad died when I was ten. So, Claudia--

[Congratulations, Kirei; you're not the only one with a headache.]

... She was actually my wife? Those really are my memories?

[They do feel like it, but that doesn't mean they don't also feel distant and vague. They may as well belong to somebody else.]

I can barely remember what she looked like, but I do know everything that happened while we were together. She was...

[A saint. She tried to help him.]

She was ill. She died... from complications due to her autoimmune disease, right?

Edited 2023-04-23 22:28 (UTC)

She was dying. But then she killed herself, to try to make me feel it. She--

[Stuck a gun under her chin. Wait, no. Not that, not her.]

She sliced her neck open. Bled herself out.

[Frown.]

How pointless.

[Yep, that's it. That's his reaction to this news. He crosses his arms. It's starting to come back.]

... I didn't feel anything?

Not any more than I usually do. Didn't feel quite like being myself, but it was... analogous.

You held her. You felt like you were sinking into emptiness.

[And god, does she ever know that feeling well now.]

[...]

I think I wanted to kill her.

[He's so messed up, but at least he can blame Balam.]

Do you think any part of you loved her?

[She honestly couldn't tell either way.]

I don't know.

I don't think it matters.

[Even if it was love, it still didn't save him.]

[And Shaw, unknowingly coming at it from the exact opposite angle, says--]

Why, because she died anyway?

No. Because her death was completely meaningless either way.

[He looks at her, tilting his head.]

How open are you about this? Your condition, I mean. I'm guessing Root knew about it? Maybe even shared it?

Pretty open. Not in all situations, but people who I'm working closely with should know, at least to some extent.

Root knew. But no, she-- was capable of awful things, but she was emotional.

I'm more open about it here, but I never told anyone in my world. I tried to, a couple times, but they didn't really understand.

Then I met Claudia...

She knew, but she was the opposite. She was innocent, truly innocent. She thought she could help me, and you saw how she destroyed herself thinking that.

But it was all completely futile. I'm still like this.

You probably have some brain chemistry issues, too. It's not curable.

[Sorry Kirei, Shaw is not someone one goes to for gentle reassurance.]

Maybe she could've helped you. But she couldn't've fixed you.

Yes, I know that now. It's clear our relationship was just a ridiculous waste of time.

[Shrug.]

That's why I said it doesn't matter.

So she didn't... matter at all, even beyond the stuff you couldn't feel?

Objectively, she mattered. All people matter, but her more than most.

To me, personally?

... I liked her. I respected her. I may have loved her. [Dead eyed. That word always feels so weird in his mouth.] But I had no business being married to her.

I'm just not meant for that type of relationship.

[She recognizes well the way he lets the word slip out of his mouth. It sounds just like she imagines it would if she used it.]

Neither am I.

[She stares out at the expanse beyond the deck rather than at him.]

Sometimes what we are or aren't meant for doesn't matter so much.

[And yet he's supposed to preach about it. Truly absurd.]

What do you mean?

I mean--

[And now she looks at him, her eyes more alert than they have been at all so far in this conversation.]

No matter what your nature is, you still have a choice in what you do. Did you ever hurt her?

[...]

I agree with you, and no, I never physically hurt her. But I wasn't a good husband, and I wasn't happy.

That's the difference between our respective relationships. You were actually happy with Root.

[He's so jealous.]

I'd definitely suck as a wife, or trying to do the quiet civilian life thing. Just saying. Things were good with Root because we wanted similar things out of life. We let ourselves be ourselves. What do you think being a "good husband" means?

[She's guessing that it's something incredibly domestic.]

I think I shouldn't be myself, at least not completely.

[Nobody wants Kirei to be himself. Even Kirei isn't sure whether or not he wants that.]

... I imagine it will sound quite silly to you, but I was raised to believe marriage is a sacred union between two people, indissoluble by anything except death, founded on mutual love and self-sacrifice, meant to elevate and cultivate what's best in those who are called to it, helping them grow closer to God and become more Christ-like.

[He wasn't a very Christ-like husband.]

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