cactusy | IC contact for lastvoyages

Pretty sure Neal and Doug are gonna try for that with me.

[She glances up at him for the first time.]

Who was your family?

Harkin.

[ No, not entirely right. ]

He's known by Sweeney, here. We both have some...extenuating circumstances, so it wasn't a hard choice for us.

And there's Addy- think her 'real' name is Laura. Hadn't even met her before, but in the Breach she was a close friend.

Edited 2023-03-31 11:14 (UTC)

Don't know her, but I know him.

[And he doesn't strike her as the type of person who'd be on board with keeping up close breach relationships, so color her a little surprised. She sighs and sits back, letting Winston climb on her.]

Integration would just make me worse.

[ Will snorts in amusement. ]

Yeah, I don't think it's the recommended coping tactic. Luckily, the memories are supposed to fade for people, until they feel more like a dream.

I'm not expecting that to happen with me, considering how tightly I tend to hold onto personalities that aren't my own. But hopefully, it won't always be so raw, for you.

[She doesn't know what to say to that. Maybe he's right, but maybe he isn't; her simulation memories haven't faded, even though they're all blended together in a confusing mess. The fact that this one is different from the others indicates to her that it'll stand out more, not less.]

I got a bunch of tattoos related to things I know are real. If that's something that might work for you, too.

[ He smiles, just a little. ]

Yeah, that might take me a bit. I want to draw it myself. But I do already have-

[ He points to his right cheek, where a 2-inch scar sits diagonally, faded more than it probably should be at this point. ]

This one's from Dolarhyde, and-

[ He points up to the horizontal 4-inch scar on the right side of his forehead. Brushing his hair back, it's possible to see the full length of it. ]

That one's from Hannibal. So there's that. Didn't choose them, but they're real.

[In response, she lifts her t-shirt a little, showing him the bullet wound scars on her abdomen. She has more elsewhere - people in her line of work tend to collect scars - but these are the easiest to show off.]

Do you like them, or hate them?

[ He relaxes a little at her response and her question. He runs his index finger lightly over his forehead scar before letting his hand drop. ]

I like them. They are a tactile representation of what I've survived. What I've overcome.

How about you? Mine have all been pretty personal.

[ She might've just had a bad day in the line of duty. ]

Most of mine are just from work. Nothing special. These ones are--

[She hesitates, then shrugs. A memory of getting captured, but a memory of saving her team, too.]

A mixed bag, I guess. I don't hate them, but the tattoos mean more.

[A rod of Asclepius; USMC lettering to twin one that her father had had. Morse code around one wrist; forward slash marks on both sides of the other. The others that she'd done before her death haven't been redone yet.]

[ He sees the morse and slash marks and nods with a small smile. Good, they're there again, already. Winston, who is now basically lounging happily on Shaw's lap, attempts to lick at her hands. Everyone seems to be paying attention to them, after all. ]

I can see why they would. And the- at least most of the newer ones are easier to get back down. [ He smirks a bit. ] Don't think I could've taken a circular saw to my head, so I'm glad I didn't lose that.

[ His eyes move to her wrists. ] Did it help? To get the new ones back down?

I like the process of doing them myself.

[She says, rubbing a thumb over one of the slash marks.]

I like what they represent. They're markers - of milestones; of important things.

[ Will nods, staring at her thumb as it moves. ]

Yep. That should help you out, I think.

Are you going to try to avoid Neal and Doug till you feel more settled with yourself?

[ No judgment either way, not from Will. He's just curious. ]

I already saw them. They kinda didn't leave me any choice.

[Except she'd made the choice to call them back, albeit only after she'd been awake for a day and change.]

There was a whole thing with Franky Cook, too, but I haven't heard from her yet.

Franky...? [ He raises an eyebrow. ] I don't think I've actually met her yet. Thought I'd gotten to everyone on this boat by now.

[ The amount he's been socializing, in order to learn about his fellow passengers, has been exhausting. Surely he's almost done meeting new people? ]

Badass old-timey fighter pilot. Probably not the type I'm gonna have to worry about, but you never know.

If your thing was some sort of relationship, doesn't sound like she would be.

I don't expect you'd need a go-between, but if the blur gets bad, let me know. I can step in, make sure you get a break. You didn't know me there, so that could make the separation easier, maybe.

The blur is bad already.

[She admits it quietly. God, how do people manage more than one breach? How do people stay here for years?]

I just know the things I'm thinking aren't really me. Pretty sure other people aren't so good at that.

[ Will doesn't understand it, either. He's had years- decades- of practice dealing with this, and he's still catching himself. And that's on things that he's actually trying on, not the family-related issues he intends to keep. ]

At knowing? Yeah, and that might make it easier on them. They don't have to see those edges where they stop and someone else begins. And when the breach memories fade, it's a quiet vanishing.

What things are you thinking that aren't really you? If you're all right talking about it.

Eiffel and Caffrey are like family; people I've known for years. Cook is... I don't know, whatever we were. Some sort of relationship.

[Her tone is flat; her eyes dull. She lets the dog nudge his cold nose against her cheek.]

That world is real, this world is imaginary. Home is just a dream.

[ Will nods, lets out a sigh, and finally joins her sitting fully on the ground. He'll pace, otherwise. ]

Yeah, those are the ones. Any sort of grounding's going to help. Your tattoos, talking with people you know here, doing something physical- which would probably help you more than it does me.

For me, it's more- I reason with myself when I notice it. If that world were real, then I'd be dead. This right here is too structured for a final fever dream. I know who I am.

[ His voice has quieted down considerably. ] -and if I say that to myself often enough, it keeps me focused on figuring it out. It eventually becomes true.

I still don't get how your integration plan doesn't drive you crazy.

[ He opens his mouth like he's going to laugh, but just a little puff of a chuckle comes out, and his smile is so tired. ]

Well, it's more like I don't have a choice. It's an experiment, trying the best of the bad options, because there's honestly too much for me to work on. It'd be years before I started feeling like myself again, if I went about it like I usually do. This is letting me just focus on the parts I want to get rid of, like the part of me that decided it was a great idea to just eat four people. I- I-

[ He seems to stop moving for a moment, frozen. Then he lets out all his breath in a deep sigh. ]

It wouldn't work if Harkin-- uh, Sweeney- didn't have a worse, supernatural version of the same problem. We got lucky, honestly, because we can both understand.

[Shaw watches him, her own face a little frozen itself.]

Point taken. Do you, uh--

[She gestures at Winston. Do you need the dog, buddy.]

[ He takes in a slightly-shaky breath and puts his hand on Winston's head, slowly petting it. Winston is used to this, and just stays in place on Shaw's lap. Will looks down at his hand and quietly chuckles at himself. ]

Ah. Thanks. If you can believe it, this is me doing a lot better.

Dogs are pretty cool. I don't know that they actually make that much of a difference for me, but I like being around them anyway.

[They're definitely easier than people, on multiple levels.]

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