IC contact for lastvoyages

[cactusy]

[If I don't have an active post up, feel free to use this post to have your character call, videochat, text, or knock on Shaw's door.]

Comments

[abrightboy]

'Like this' in what sense? Working on someone else's personality defects?

[(Anonymous)]

Being patient and communicative and understanding and all that crap.

[abrightboy]

I... guess?

how the fuck did that turn out anon...

[cactusy]

Yeah, believe me, I know I still suck at it.

[abrightboy]

You don't act like you know that.

[cactusy]

Seriously? I feel like I'm always telling people how I'm not cut out for this.

[abrightboy]

That's not the same.

[cactusy]

How so?

[abrightboy]

Not being compatible with a job isn't a judgement of who you are. Different people have different strengths. Different jobs demand different things. Nobody is a good fit for everything.

Conversely? I'm great at my job at home. Probably the best in the country. I'm not boasting; that's a fact by any objective metric. Being very cut out for it doesn't make me less socially defective.

[cactusy]

When I say I'm not cut out for this, I don't mean wardening. I mean everything else that comes along with it.

[abrightboy]

But you don't actually say that.

[cactusy]

I never say it when we're not talking about the nicey-nice parts of wardening. When I'm on patrol or doing incident reports or talking to Graham about his crap, I don't say "I'm not cut out for this".

[abrightboy]

How would I know that?

[cactusy]

Obviously you didn't. But I'm telling you now.

[abrightboy]

Did you think I didn't know that there's something wrong with me and it puts people off?

[cactusy]

No. But I think you don't have any idea how to make it better.

[abrightboy]

Maybe not. But do you actually know how to make me better? Sometimes I think you don't actually see me at all.

[cactusy]

Are you talking about how I said you were being manipulative.

[abrightboy]

No. I'm talking about... I know it's me, okay. It's always been me. It didn't start when my father was arrested. That just made it worse or... more obvious. Or compounded, I guess, with the cPTSD. But I've been working on dealing with my...self with professionals and with every... attempt at connection I've ever failed at and it's disheartening that you don't believe me when I tell you that this is as good as I get. This is my most palatable form. And you don't begin to know the struggle it took to get to this point, so I think you don't really understand the... the killing blow that it is to hear from someone I respect that I just need to try harder. That I need to pull up my socks and just work on it. There isn't a non-annoying me under the surface, okay? If you're waiting for that guy to show up and hang out, he's authorized me to tell you that he's never coming.

[cactusy]

Okay, but I didn't just say "try harder". I said "This thing you did with me? Stop doing that". I gave you an actual explicit instruction on something you can follow through on to make things less tense with me.

[abrightboy]

Okay. So tell me just the instruction.

[cactusy]

If you think you've made me uncomfortable, even if you're disappointed about it, don't make it about your feelings. Not even if it's to trip over yourself to apologize and talk about how me not trusting you makes sense because most people don't like you - actually, especially not then. Ask me if you made me uncomfortable. If I say no, ask me what happened instead. If I say yes, uh-- just ask me if there's anything you can do to change that, I guess.

[abrightboy]

I didn’t think I made you uncomfortable. You clearly weren’t uncomfortable. But when you said you didn’t want to talk about it with me, it made sense. Because we aren’t a safe place to each other - not because people don’t like me, and I didn’t say that was the reason. I said that was a subject that people talk about with safe people. So would you like to argue that you feel safe being vulnerable with me? Because I don’t think you do. But that isn’t the same thing at all as being made uncomfortable. I didn’t even bring up the topic of conversation. You did. And I still don’t actually understand why you did that when you didn’t want to talk about it. But that isn’t relevant to the fact that I’d love to stop doing the thing I didn’t do, but I didn’t do it.

[cactusy]

You used some kinda loaded language. "That's stuff you talk about with people who are safe" is, like, primed to make people comfort you and reassure you that they don't see you as a danger. Try something more neutral next time, like "I misunderstood". You took me at face value when I was being flippant, which was... kind of dumb of me, actually.

And then I was kind of rude about it when I said "Why did you actually think I wanted to talk about this with you". So. You could've called me on that, too; that would've been okay.

[abrightboy]

I didn’t think that was rude. It was a valid question. And made me realize that the topic wasn’t appropriate for us when we’re not a safe place to each other. You assumed that meant you were dangerous and I wanted your comfort over it. I didn’t mean the former or want the latter.