IC contact for lastvoyages

[cactusy]

[If I don't have an active post up, feel free to use this post to have your character call, videochat, text, or knock on Shaw's door.]

Comments

[abrightboy]

You brought it up, so I thought you wanted to talk about it, and I thought... what a relief. But. I guess it doesn't make sense for us to talk about it when you put it that way. That's stuff you should talk about with people who are... safe. People who make you feel safe enough to be vulnerable.

[cactusy]

You thought "what a relief"? What a relief from what?

[abrightboy]

That someone wanted to talk about it. That someone wasn't embarrassed to have a free and open talk about it.

[cactusy]

[Shaw heaves a long, heavy sigh.]

Okay.

First of all? Not uncomfortable or embarrassed. But the fact that a guilt trip about not being trusted enough was the first thing you went to when you thought I was? That's an example of the kind of thing we talked about before, where you rely on those conversational cues you picked up from manipulative people.

So. You wanna try again, and then we can have a conversation?

[abrightboy]

[Guilt trip? She asked and he answered. He pauses.]

No. This isn't a safe place yet.

[cactusy]

Oh, for--

[She swallows, reins herself in, and tries again.]

Okay. Uh. Thanks for... sharing that. Is there anything I can do to make you feel comfortable with trying.

[abrightboy]

No. I just don't think it's a subject that's... for us. At least, not yet. I just misunderstood and got carried away, but. No. We're not there.

[cactusy]

Bright.

[Another pause.]

Look, uh-- I get that it's not malicious or on purpose. But just because it's not your fault doesn't mean that the ways you interact with people don't suck. And until you start changing that, things aren't going to get better.

[abrightboy]

[There's silence for just long enough that she might think he isn't going to answer, but then he does, in a quiet and carefully even tone.]

That's a fair point. I'll try to do better.

[cactusy]

Yeah?

[She sounds genuinely surprised, but not in a bad way.]

You and me, we can't change who we are. And it's cool when we find people who just get us without us having to change how we act at all, but we can't expect the whole world to do that. So I'm trying to change how I act for this stupid place. It sucks, and there's plenty of stuff I'm still not budging on, but I'm still trying. It's not... impossible. Just annoying.

I believe you can do it, too.

[abrightboy]

What have you changed?

[cactusy]

Well, for one thing - you think I go around having conversations like this at home?

[abrightboy]

'Like this' in what sense? Working on someone else's personality defects?

[(Anonymous)]

Being patient and communicative and understanding and all that crap.

[abrightboy]

I... guess?

how the fuck did that turn out anon...

[cactusy]

Yeah, believe me, I know I still suck at it.

[abrightboy]

You don't act like you know that.

[cactusy]

Seriously? I feel like I'm always telling people how I'm not cut out for this.

[abrightboy]

That's not the same.

[cactusy]

How so?

[abrightboy]

Not being compatible with a job isn't a judgement of who you are. Different people have different strengths. Different jobs demand different things. Nobody is a good fit for everything.

Conversely? I'm great at my job at home. Probably the best in the country. I'm not boasting; that's a fact by any objective metric. Being very cut out for it doesn't make me less socially defective.

[cactusy]

When I say I'm not cut out for this, I don't mean wardening. I mean everything else that comes along with it.

[abrightboy]

But you don't actually say that.

[cactusy]

I never say it when we're not talking about the nicey-nice parts of wardening. When I'm on patrol or doing incident reports or talking to Graham about his crap, I don't say "I'm not cut out for this".

[abrightboy]

How would I know that?