cactusy | IC contact for lastvoyages

[Kirei knows what emotions feel like, mainly because he knows what a complete lack of them feels like. When he looks back on his own memories, he has no idea what he's feeling during them—most likely nothing. But Shaw's memory wasn't like that. It wasn't like Fitz's memory of losing Arielle either, but so what? The emotion was the same, just loud and clanging and chaotic in the former, static-y like the numb aftermath of an electric shock in the other.

He accepts the random information with an affectless incline of the head.]

Ah...

[Wait-]

"People like you and me?"

Sure. You don't really do emotions much either, do you?

[Like recognizes like, she thinks. Even without the help of a flood, it's clear in his face; his body language.]

[He shakes his head. It's undeniable.]

I don't have them.

It makes it a bit challenging since we're obviously supposed to open up and be vulnerable with each other, even though that seems incredibly stupid and a little cult-like.

... I try to go along with it, but it usually just feels pretty pointless.

Bet you've pissed a few people off by saying that.

[God knows she has!]

[...]

I don't normally say it.

[Ah. That's not a surprise; he does seem quieter and more tactful than she is.]

You ever think that you might have stuff in there that you can't feel, but other people can?

That is a good question.

Maybe I do, but I'm pretty sure none of it involves empathy.

[A blunt truth. One he should perhaps keep to himself, but she seems open-minded. He'll just carefully avoid thinking too hard about the fact that there are literal eldritch horrors, serving here as wardens and integrating into the community far better than himself, while his own condition puts him constantly on the verge of pariahdom—as it should.]

Edited 2023-04-23 05:33 (UTC)

Me, neither. Feeling it on the surface is pretty much the point of that one.

[She closes her eyes for a moment, shaking her head.]

I had a wife before her, you know. Claudia. Also dead.

[Maybe she's right, but she still managed to feel something approximating sadness or grief for Root. It's more than he could do for—]

Claudia?

[His expression darkens, and he brings a hand to his forehead.]

Damn it. I must have more of your memories.

[Hold up. Seriously?]

How much more?

I don't know. They really feel like mine.

Are you Catholic?

[Give him time. Trying to focus on that period of his life is like trying to peer through a thick mist.]

I remember meeting her. I remember the wedding. My father was there...

[He literally cringes, already getting a headache.]

My actual father, not yours.

.... I think.

Edited 2023-04-23 21:58 (UTC)

... And I lost every memory of her except the one where she died.

[Which, logically, is a very strong sign that she hadn't actually lost all those memories at all, because they'd never been hers to begin with. And even though the Barge so rarely seems to be based on logic, that possibility coupled with those questions of his...]

Not Catholic, no. And my dad died when I was ten. So, Claudia--

[Congratulations, Kirei; you're not the only one with a headache.]

... She was actually my wife? Those really are my memories?

[They do feel like it, but that doesn't mean they don't also feel distant and vague. They may as well belong to somebody else.]

I can barely remember what she looked like, but I do know everything that happened while we were together. She was...

[A saint. She tried to help him.]

She was ill. She died... from complications due to her autoimmune disease, right?

Edited 2023-04-23 22:28 (UTC)

She was dying. But then she killed herself, to try to make me feel it. She--

[Stuck a gun under her chin. Wait, no. Not that, not her.]

She sliced her neck open. Bled herself out.

[Frown.]

How pointless.

[Yep, that's it. That's his reaction to this news. He crosses his arms. It's starting to come back.]

... I didn't feel anything?

Not any more than I usually do. Didn't feel quite like being myself, but it was... analogous.

You held her. You felt like you were sinking into emptiness.

[And god, does she ever know that feeling well now.]

[...]

I think I wanted to kill her.

[He's so messed up, but at least he can blame Balam.]

Do you think any part of you loved her?

[She honestly couldn't tell either way.]

I don't know.

I don't think it matters.

[Even if it was love, it still didn't save him.]

[And Shaw, unknowingly coming at it from the exact opposite angle, says--]

Why, because she died anyway?

No. Because her death was completely meaningless either way.

[He looks at her, tilting his head.]

How open are you about this? Your condition, I mean. I'm guessing Root knew about it? Maybe even shared it?

Pretty open. Not in all situations, but people who I'm working closely with should know, at least to some extent.

Root knew. But no, she-- was capable of awful things, but she was emotional.

I'm more open about it here, but I never told anyone in my world. I tried to, a couple times, but they didn't really understand.

Then I met Claudia...

She knew, but she was the opposite. She was innocent, truly innocent. She thought she could help me, and you saw how she destroyed herself thinking that.

But it was all completely futile. I'm still like this.

You probably have some brain chemistry issues, too. It's not curable.

[Sorry Kirei, Shaw is not someone one goes to for gentle reassurance.]

Maybe she could've helped you. But she couldn't've fixed you.

Yes, I know that now. It's clear our relationship was just a ridiculous waste of time.

[Shrug.]

That's why I said it doesn't matter.

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